In The Midst
by Roren
Summary: I'm realising much in my life now, things in my spiritual life, I think I'm starting to realise just how much I don't know. I'm in the midst of controversy in my own head. My own beliefs being challenged. I'm realising mistakes.


A/N: I don't know why I write late at night. Usually I write gibberish and offend people. Usually I get myself into conflicts that take up way too much time to resolve. But alas, maybe it has something to do with the fact that lack of sleep is like a drug, it messes with your emotions and physical state, causing you to do things you wouldn't normally do. So yes I - again - am writing at 1:25 in the morning.

I figured I'd tell a little story. It's a Christian story. It discusses God and Biblical issues, it's not fanfiction because quite frankly fanfiction about the bible seems a wee bit … blasphemous and heretical but whatever. 

My story is entitled "In The Midst" because I am currently 'in the midst' of major decisions and crossroads in my life. Hah, a Britney Spears movie. But seriously, I've found myself everyday asking questions and being challenged in courses like World History, World Issues, and Law that challenge my beliefs. So I thought I'd share.

Title: In The Midst

Introduction: I've grown up in a somewhat sheltered home. My father smokes (when I found out I cried because I thought only bad people did it), my mom's unhappy in her job, and I'm an only child. I got pulled out of the public school system in grade three after I called this guy named 'Viona' a girl and he pushed me down on the cement (he did karate) and I got a mild concussion because I hit my head on a curb. 

Since then, I've gone to a private school. I have this theory that everyone begins to challenge their spiritual beliefs around the ages of 11-14, when they finally begin to mature. I, of course, had a lot of problems with this 'maturing' part. The first controversial thing I ever heard was from my favourite (and only) grade five teacher. She told me that anyone who killed himself or herself automatically went to hell because it was an unforgivable sin to waste God's greatest gift to us, life. I believed her totally at the time but I now realise (after several bouts with depression and suicide) that that is neither true nor Biblically supported. Around this time I was ten and I loved to write. I was teased a lot, but I learned to deal (in a very small Christian school) by teasing back. The word of the day was 'dis'. 

That year I did exceptionally well because I was in a class of seven and got a lot of special attention. Soon we would be moving and my teacher thought I should skip a grade. Having no say in the matter anyway and being pressured by my parents to do so, I skipped. Grade seven, to say the least, was hell.

Halfway through the year I was pulled out of the school because the abuse from the other students had gotten so bad. I had a 94% average. I was plopped into another Christian school (a much bigger one for me, with around four hundred students) and to say the least my social skills weren't the greatest. My friends tell me when they first met me they thought I was a loser. Guys would start to make fun of me and, learning from my old school, I would do the same back. 

I was twelve when I started dating John (name changed to protect the jerk). He made me feel special because he said he liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I have this theory that all twelve year olds are idiots because they think they're smart but they're really not. My history supports this theory. Twelve is not a time for boyfriends, especially when all you do is write notes to each other between classes. I started to rebel. See my 'boyfriend', had two weeks before, dumped my best and only friend Jane (name changed to protect the unpleasant). I wanted to be friends with some other girls because they seemed so much nicer, while Jane was always nagging me and would always make me feel bad for doing things without her or sitting with other people at lunch. I eventually dumped my first, only, and last boyfriend ever and in the process lost my only friend. I was still lacking the social graces to gain new friends however and my grades suffered. I became a Goth. But of course I could never really be a good Goth because my mom refused to buy me black makeup (the closest I got was dark dark brown lipstick) and I wore a uniform to school everyday. But I had really long dark hair which helped. I got into Wicca and used to pray to become a witch. To say the least, I was confused. Probably the worst thing to happen was my grades. The second year at that school I failed (but made up over the summer, to this day my mom refuses to acknowledge the failed course, which is funny to me).

While all this was happening, I got depressed. My school (grades 7 - 12) really emphasises marks. In grade seven you do exams and only the honour role students get any praise. If you didn't do well in school, you were told you had no potential because the only important thing a student in high school should think about, is university. I had no friends, bad grades, my pet fish had died (which struck me harder than it should've), I felt like my parents hated me, and basically I thought I had no future. For a period of two months, escalating around Christmas, I felt without hope and therefore; suicidal. I was twelve.

I became a Christian around January 5, 1999. I'm currently 16. School is tough, it's my last year of high school, but I'm not worried about university. My relationship with my parents is better, I try my best to love and honour them, but it's tough when they aren't Christians. I was raised Christian, and only in the past week have I realised some things I believe I believe due to dogma. There is proof, I know there is, but I don't know all of it, and that's not the best way to believe.

On my blog & at fanfiction.net, I've found myself sometimes answering questions incorrectly, not entirely sure of the answers, and then finding out the logical truths later on. I know my faith is right, but I have definitely made some mistakes here and in life.

I once told my best friend, after being out of contact with her for a while, that I wasn't sure I could be her friend anymore if she did drugs. I realise how stupid I was, what that could've possibly meant or done to her. I was so naïve and young at the time. I remember getting used to the idea that you could be a Christian and smoke. I remember when I first became a Christian I made three promises to God or myself, that I would change; no more swearing, no more hating anyone, and no more sexual jokes. I was a dirty little whore back then. Had a mouth worse than a hockey player did (I'm Canadian, eh). And I really hated some of the people in my life. I've discovered that sexual sin is the hardest to conquer for me. But so many other things have I realised, just in the process of growing up.

It's tough to defend God. It takes a lot out of you trying to explain things that we're taught only Christians can understand to non-Christians. If I were smarter I'd be able to do it more eloquently, more gracefully, be able to answer a question in one sentence with quotes and verses. Dang it, I'm sixteen years old. I've been a Christian for three and a half years.

A friend of mine recently expressed a revelation she'd had from God over the summer. An elemental truth that is so simple, seemingly obvious, yet obscure in modern Christianity.

We are here to love. Not to judge.

I extend an apology out to those who've I've offended over the past. I've written emails before to Christians saying sorry for my brashness and untimely jokes. The truth is, recently someone I deeply admire and respect told me, in the middle of speaking, that I was rambling and that what I was saying had no point. It really brought me down to earth. I already have an inferiority complex, and already consider everyone else around me better than I, but it was actually an answer to prayer.

I prayed to God a couple days ago to keep me humble, I said no matter what, but secretly I prayed that it wouldn't involve anything involving my kilt being tucked into my underwear or something grossly embarrassing like that. This embarrassment in front of the entire class made me realise just how little I know.

I'm sixteen. How many times have I said that now, three? My youth pastor at my church is twenty-four or five, I forget which, and he has been really damaging to our youth group - I no longer go because I can't stand his media references to Star Wars or Star Trek every five minutes and I get nothing out of his sermons. Young people don't know as much as old people. Even twenty-year-olds I realise now aren't as old as I used to consider them to be. I think I've come to the realisation that I'm just a child. 

While everyone around me is preparing to visit colleges and universities, have the next decade of their lives planned out - while they're all acting mature and studying harder, I feel like a child. On top of that a stupid child. I'm going to graduate when I'm sixteen too. So I feel extra pressure to impress those around me. But I know nothing! I don't know who's going to hell and who isn't! 

For goodness sake my teacher questioned whether or not God uses the god 'Krishna' as another form of Christ (I've decided I don't believe him, but in that conversation I realise just how much I don't know).

Jesus is the only way. But then there are those who will get into heaven that don't know God as Jesus. 

If you take a literal translation of Genesis, then why not take the rest of the Bible literally and chop of your hand if it makes you sin? Or gauge out your eye if you lust with it?

If you base your belief of the rest of the Bible's truth on the truth of Genesis, then what about the fact that Genesis 1 & 2 contradict? What does that say for the rest of the Bible?

Is the creation story just written in the form of a standard workweek so that the people could understand the Sabbath? Was it really Evolution that took place over millions of years?

The Bible states that the sun goes up and the sun goes down, implying an Earth centred universe. This contradicts science and caused Galileo to be tortured by the church for his beliefs of otherwise. Is this example used in the Bible so that the ancient people would understand? Does this support a non-literal translation of Creation?

This all has pointed me back to this one truth that I must now realise as the most important.

I'm here to love - not to judge.

You know my story now. I'm in the midst of change and turmoil, I feel spiritually attacked on all sides by matters of emotional and physical stress. I'm learning, maturing, growing up I guess you could say.

But I'm still sixteen (fourth time). I'm young. Still naïve, but smart enough to realise I don't know that much. I don't claim to be wise, only a fool does that. I am a fool when it comes to many things, but I trust in my decision with Christ. 

It was easier when I was younger and everything was yes and no. Black and white. I've never claimed that the world doesn't have shades of grey, I just realise now that the entire world is black grey and white, and the only thing in Technicolor is my solid rock of truth, Jesus.

I'm sorry that I have offended those in the past, that I've said things incorrectly, that I've misrepresented the faith. I feel that what I've done hasn't been a total waste though, that it must have had a purpose. 

Everyone thinks they're grown up. I thought I had all the answers when I was thirteen. I thought I had all the answers when I was seven! Up until recently, I thought I had most of the answers. Now I realise I only have a couple answers, some testimonies of faith, and some good advice.

God bless you all & good morning!

_-Christine_


End file.
